She Ain't Got No Soul

I'm incredibly tired, but I as I was walking home I had the following revelation, and need to write it down before I forget. Not because it's super-profound...it totally isn't; I just want to remember that I thought this.

My whole life I've had difficulty committing to any one thing. I've never had a favorite food or a favorite color; I have endless trouble deciding what to eat at a restaurant with 15 items on the menu (read: don't even try to take me to a diner with 15,000. Danger.); as a child I was always afraid of committing my opinion about a certain book or movie. I like to leave room for change. I know my mind is going to change, so I don't like to say I feel one way or another about any certain topic indefinitely. Well, sometimes I really do haha, but in general. I will never tell you I'm a vegetarian, although I don't eat meat. Because I even occasionally do that.

So what is it? Why don't I like asserting my opinion about these things?
Here's what I think: I think I'm afraid of being wrong or mistaken or idiotic when I later change my mind.

In relationships, well, there's a reason I've only ever had one. I don't like the way I become when I'm in a relationship. I'm not fun, easy-going Amanda anymore. I'm crazy, psychotic Amanda that I don't like and would totally never hang out with. I'm much better at having sex/being 'friends'/flirting/acting like a general idiot with guys. I know there are many who think I'm an idiot for thinking these things - that I'm missing so much romance and loooove. What I have to say to that is that I have a hell of a lot more fun my way and it's just not as ridiculously melodramatic. I only accept melodrama if it comes with a lot of drugs and a lot of trouble across the board. That almost sounds like it doesn't make sense, but it does - trust me.

Shitty Pity Post

I'm pitying my blog. awww poor blog. so this is a total pity post. full of nothing but crap I'm sure.

that last post embodies what happens when I drink. I get super depressed for like 3 days.

today I was reminded of how much I do not hate drugs.

I was also reminded of why I never need to weigh 200 pounds. Because two poor young people might need to carry my fat ass up two flights of stairs and my cunt ass family might not offer a hand or any sort of aid and said two poor young people might get injured or at least very, very annoyed.

I was also reminded that not everyone I work with is stupid.

I was also given an atomic fireball by some information guy at Mt. Sinai. Made my day.

Also - Friday was fucking weird. Really fucking weird. 22 (cuffed to the stretcher and complete with a cop), 4 (to Valhalla), 50 (as part of a documentary), and 16 (threatened to blow up his school and shoot all survivors with his father's gun). Then the R train was a bus and that just fucked it all and I got home at 2 AM.

I'm back to being skinny. I promise to go to the gym tomorrow. I still need to be stronger. These fucking fat people. Damn.

I just realized I put my watch on one notch too tight today. Why I didn't notice earlier, I have no idea.

Also tomorrow I must make my costume for Thanksgiving. The fact that Thanksgiving at my cousin Sarah's is costume-required only proves that we are absolutely related. The fact that Frank is totally down for this is only proof that marrying each other was obviously the right idea. If I could find a guy that understood my need for costume parties, I'd marry him too.

Later: 'I hate Maimo,' and, 'the Union Square subway transfer has the worst traffic pattern that could possibly exist.'

Old School '03-Style Pep Talk

You are too good for this.

Buck up.
Chin up.
Pick yourself up.
Don't let 'em get you down.
Toughen up.

You a goddamn American, for Christ's sake; you don't get to wallow. Wallowing ain't your thing. Not in your blood.

You're too smart.
Too pretty.
too charming.
You've got too much.

Don't let it all go again. Why must you make things bad right before they're about to be wonderful? Why must you drink yourself to oblivion in some attempt to validate the social life you now see waning? So you can spend two days sleeping? Two days throwing up and trying to eat and rid yourself of this headache?

And why do you take it to heart, hon? Why?? He's a f-u-c-k-i-n-g d-u-m-b-a-s-s in ALL senses of the 'phrase.' He is extremely stupid. There is nothing redeeming about him except the stupid things he says that end up being funny and his body. That's what you see in him, and what he sees in you is a hot little body with a pretty face and a fucked up sense of humor that knows how to fuck. He also thinks you're crazy. Which is hilarious, but kind of depressing.

It's hard for me to believe sometimes, that even after I turn the charm on - they still only want sex. Oh well. Pep talk over. Success.

To all mah tax payasss

Hi, we all know how hard you guys work.
Do you like it?
You're going to need that large coffee, aren't you?
I know you probably just got off a long shift.
This is tough work, huh?
Why don't you do something less physically taxing?

You know, thanks. Really :)

Photographs

My love life sucks, my sex life worries me and I am overwhelmed with nostalgia at the moment.

Everyone knows they shouldn't look at those pictures, but they still do. And some of them I didn't even know I shouldn't look at. DAMN. I feel like all the friends I'm making now are for fake and being charming has become a chore. Now it works in all the wrong ways and people are far more receptive than I want them to be.

I've grown so tired of my own shadow. The same shadow I could stare at until the sun no longer permitted. The face I now see in the mirror is the same one I see every day. It no longer begs me to linger at the reflection; I recognize it now and see how very dull it is. It's the same. every. day. has been. always.

My brain's creativity, once in surplus inducing rising ICP (haha) has been cured. The holes were drilled as was necessary to function and here I am feeling the gases escape, the discharge leak down my scalp and make my hair look greasy. That's all. I lost my creativity and just look dirty.

You're 23 and average at best. There's not a soul who cares. You've sequestered yourself off into a corner you didn't even know was there. Damn you.

Saturday, p/s Thursday

"Pretty Girl (best store name ever) and get my fucking six dollars back and probably do my laundry and clean this mess of a room and organize some shit that has been driving me crazy and wash my windows and go to the gym and maybe get the $14 dollar mani-pedi"

I didn't do any of this. I laid on the couch and went to Rite Aid to see if they had any leftover Halloween candy on sale. They didn't, so I came back home and laid on the couch some more while watching this season's episodes of House since I can't keep up with TV schedules.

I later went to the Islands show and had an awesome time, hung out in the village until 4 and then left the apartment only to pass....ST. MARK'S MARKET on my way to the subway. While there buying my coffee which I undoubtedly needed to make it home and to work 5 hours later, I perused the aisles. This led me to realize how much time I've actually spent doing that in the three years that I have been in the New York area. I've never lived anywhere remotely close to St. Mark's, yet I have really spent a lot of time wandering around/buying things in that place and I like that. I like the color bags that they have.

Instead of passing out on the train home as I normally would have, I had my coffee and did a crossword puzzle. It was incredibly pleasing and abnormal.

I arrived home circa 5:15, and got dressed to go to the gym before work. It wasn't until after I had adorned that wretched garb that I realized I would have no time to go @ 6 when they open, run half an hour, take a shower, blow-dry my hair (because New York now thinks it's cool to be 30 degrees in the morning), come home, get dressed and ready for work and make it to the train by 7:30. So I did dishes, updated the cleaning schedule, swept my room, took out the cat litter and recycling and went to work, falling asleep standing up on the train. I got asked if I was OK by the kid next to me on the 4 train. Lame. I probably looked like a junkie in uniform. Nodding off on the train. Lame. haha.

I've been at 127 pounds for a couple weeks now. I see this as a good thing, because maybe it somehow means that I know how to maintain a weight and not go up and down like a bipolar anorectic.

It was soooo good to sleep last night!!! Also I should be working around 50 hours this week, as opposed to 40. That should be good. I'm really tired of taxes, though. NYC has too goddamn many.

Hey Muffy

I want to...cuddle??

So weird. Who am I???

Halloween was generally hilarious. I'm really glad I didn't work because I'd probably have significantly less faith in humanity than I already do. It was much better to be on the side not worth having faith in. It was so great until people started being massively wasted (read: after the Yankees won); everyone was so happy! People were funny, not obnoxious - the cops were laughing and smiling at people...everyone was just getting along and it was lovely.

So tomorrow I get to do this weird thing known widely as 'relaxing,' and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I have to return some shit at Pretty Girl (best store name ever) and get my fucking six dollars back and probably do my laundry and clean this mess of a room and organize some shit that has been driving me crazy and wash my windows and go to the gym and maybe get the $14 dollar mani-pedi (I really hate to use that term, but must in the name of concise-iosity) and whatever else I can fit into my dayyyy!!!!!

Also - today after coming back from Saint Germain, I realized that you can see my red window frames from the street!! sooo exciting! Also, the following:



you know, heads up to anyone who was considering it.